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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29576544">Transformers - Dark Side of the Room</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mydarksidelovesthis/pseuds/mydarksidelovesthis'>mydarksidelovesthis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>I don't like to call it Transformers Abridged, but that's basically what it is [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Transformers (Bay Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abridged, Action, Decepticons have human pets, Gen, Megatron has a lawyer, Parody, Science Fiction, Sexual Harassment, Transformers have a weird world view</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:27:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,590</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29576544</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mydarksidelovesthis/pseuds/mydarksidelovesthis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>While Sam's new job is worse than everything Megatron could ever do to him, the humans discover a secret weapon against Transformers.</p>
<p>Rip-off of Dark of the Moon.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>I don't like to call it Transformers Abridged, but that's basically what it is [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023034</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            A translation of

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29575872">Transformers - Die dunkle Seite des Raums</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/mydarksidelovesthis/pseuds/mydarksidelovesthis">mydarksidelovesthis</a>.
        </li>

    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Megatron was just sifting through the endless data material of the last Transformers film. Although he had the power and processing speed of a machine, it was impossible for him to find the one thing he was looking for. When Starscream came in to inquire about the health of his leader. To see if the position was soon to be filled. He could wait a long time for that.</p>
<p>"Why is there a poster of you and not one of me?" Megatron threw a bunch of data with his analysis results at him.</p>
<p>Starscream had to bypass most of the data so as not to fry his radio module. He fished out his own poster. "You were dead during the shooting of the last film. We didn't want to disturb you."</p>
<p>"Besides, I'm being portrayed as the bad guy again."</p>
<p>Starscream put on a spiteful smile. His foot scraped across the sand. "Well, technically, you're not portrayed at all without a poster."</p>
<p>Megatron slapped him in the face. Then he made a phone call to someone and accepted the call himself before the other person had the idea to decline him. "I have something to talk to you about, you worm. If you don't portray me better in your film series, I'll have it cancelled."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The person called, who had to accept Megatron's complaint, stammered nervously. "Your resurrection should be a surprise," he explained in a trembling voice. He assured that it would never happen again. After hanging up, he was about to breathe a sigh of relief when the phone rang again. Another name he knew well appeared on the display. Oh no.</p>
<p>The tinny, distorted voice of Soundwave sounded through the phone: "Hello, human. I just saw your last movie and had to find out that you didn't use my music. You remember how I strongly suggested that you use my music, didn't you?"</p>
<p>"Wait, wait!" The man jumped in a triangle through his office - it was too much excitement for one day - and called up a file on his computer. "Yes, we used your music, can you hear it here?" He rewound to the position. For a second, amidst the background noise, Soundwaves music could be heard. If you listened carefully. "We made it especially for you because it was your explicit wish to use your music. I defended it against all kinds of people who wanted to throw it out, but I said to them: No, as long as I have something to say, Soundwave's music stays in it."</p>
<p>From the phone it was silent for several seconds. The palm of the man on the phone was sweating wet while he hoped for a positive answer.</p>
<p>"Very well. But next time I'll get two seconds."</p>
<p>Relieved, the man hung up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the African savannah, a rundown truck arrived, watched by the wildlife, which was used to the sight and just kept a safe distance. The truck transformed slowly, its parts moved to new places at such a slow speed that even a human being could mentally follow.</p>
<p>Finally the truck rose up as a badly damaged, but still impressive fighting robot called Megatron.</p>
<p>The elephants lifted their trunks and trumpeted to him. Megatron liked elephants. They never addressed him by a false name and they never laughed when he miscalculated.</p>
<p>To greet them back, Megatron reached for the weapon he carried on his back and tugged it awkwardly. Then he was annoyed that he had tried to imitate the grip from human films. What an inferior species, no wonder they were so stupid when they spread such nonsense in their movies.</p>
<p>After he had nodded to the elephant, he went to the camp. To other eyes it might look like a collection of several piles of junk - it was. Scrap heaps were great places to sleep. In Megatron's present condition, he could lie down on one of them to sleep and visually merged with his surroundings. Like a ninja. No one could find him there.</p>
<p>From somewhere between the piles of junk, a small, hunchbacked robot came hopping up. Actually he had been the head of a complete robot, but there they were flexible. At least he thought he was the most important part. "You look ridiculous." Igor pointed to the spot in the desert where Megatron had just transformed. "What are you, Mad Megs or something?"</p>
<p>The leader of the Decepticons stepped up to a red barrel from which three baby robots with mech-animal shapes were jumping out and screaming for food like little birds. "But the kids love it when I do it." He scratched one under his chin. "Who is my favorite killing machine?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Meanwhile, the leader of the Autobots was busy making peace among humans. He was just standing in front of a table where two enemy heads of state were sitting opposite each other, intimidated by the big robot and his cannons.</p>
<p>"No, no more fighting. You will now shake hands and make up."</p>
<p>Hesitantly, with side glances at the robot, they reached out their hands to each other as if reaching for something disgusting and let go immediately.</p>
<p>"And a hug."</p>
<p>They hesitated, looking as if they wanted to protest, but seemed to change their minds at the sight of the gigantic robot. They stood up and placed themselves in front of each other. They waved their hands around as they silently discussed who placed their hands where. The hug itself was as short as possible only on the upper bodies, the hips as far apart as possible like an A of shame.</p>
<p>"And a kiss."</p>
<p>Startled and disgusted, they first looked at the robot, then at each other, then at the robot again.</p>
<p>"Wait." Optimus made a phone connection to an old friend. "Hello, Sam. I have a question. Is a kiss a common gesture of reconciliation among your species?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"No, and don't call me on my work time." Sam hid the phone under one hand and looked around to see if anyone saw him. With the other hand, he pushed the mail cart further through the open-plan office. "It's not easy as it is. If they catch me on private phone calls, I can pack up. Bye." He hung up without waiting for Optimus to respond.</p>
<p>His next delivery took him to his supervisor's office. He was just about to knock when he heard him make a loud phone call through the door.</p>
<p>Sam's fist remained over the expensive mahogany wood. Bruce hated to be disturbed while he was on the phone. "I should what? He's not my secretary." Okay, he hated eavesdropping even more. But one of the two things he noticed more than the other. "All right, will do."</p>
<p>Sam heard Bruce hang up the phone with a lot of verve. Then he counted slowly to ten before he knocked and after "come in" he opened the door.</p>
<p>"I'm delivering the mail. Three letters from the third and a package from the archive." Sam threw the things on the wide desk and wanted to leave as quickly as possible.</p>
<p>"Sam, my boy." Bruce turned around in his swivel chair and spread his arms. "You're just in time. I hereby promote you to my secretary." He got up, came around the desk and gave him a pat on the ass. "Now go and get me a coffee."</p>
<p>"Sir!" Sam jumped back. "What the hell? This is sexual harassment. By a superior. In the workplace."</p>
<p>"Well, my boy." Sam flinched when Bruce put his hand on his shoulder. His boss spoke with a forced, companionable tone. "You want this job, don't you? If you prefer, I can fire you. After a few phone calls, no one will ever hire you again and you'll spend the rest of your life in the gutter."</p>
<p>Bruce crossed his arms and made a serious tone. "But fortunately we don't have to go that far, as long as you're doing your job. Now go get me a coffee before I ask you to bend down."</p>
<p>Sam felt as if the security cameras were laughing at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At the NEST base, soldiers were practicing on Bumblebee how to kill Transformers. "You jump on their shoulders and shoot them straight through the gaps in their armor into the spark. Like this." Lennox rappelled down behind Bumblebee from above, landed on his shoulder and aimed his machine gun through the mechanics. A few loud shots rang out and the robot fell to the ground, screaming in pain.</p>
<p>Lennox jumped to the ground in time and rolled off where he looked at the damage. Bumblebee knelt on the concrete and hummed angrily while holding his chest and dripping glowing energon between his fingers.</p>
<p>"Sorry, buddy." He grabbed his walkie-talkie. "Ratchet, could you come here, please?"</p>
<p>The yellow paramedic raced across the hall, transformed, and knelt before Bumblebee. "Again, this can't go on like this," he cursed and set about repairing his buddy. "You should be shooting Decepticons, not us."</p>
<p>"Sorry, it was a reflex."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ratchet liked to spend his breaks to check out the underdeveloped state of the locals and to monitor their development. He wanted to be the first to discover intelligent life on this planet.</p>
<p>He was just conducting a series of experiments with one of the soldiers and recited data. "What, you can't remember that?" He had given the man writing utensils, but his sheet remained empty. "Again, listen carefully ..." He repeated the long sequence of numbers, this time only half of it, but it was hopeless. "They are only numbers. Stupid, one-dimensional information."</p>
<p>The soldier sighed. "I'm trained to kill, not math. My brain rejects this information."</p>
<p>"How could your species have survived this long? I don't know what Optimus sees in you."</p>
<p>But it wasn't long before the soldiers noticed a few oddities by accident. One of the soldiers carried his pistol on a plate instead of his holster, whereupon his human companions looked at him strangely. But before he raised to an explanation that he just had no other way to transport both things, Ratchet commented on where he got that meal at this hour when the canteen was closed.</p>
<p>People stared at him wordlessly and the other question was forgotten.</p>
<p>In the next session, it was the soldier who put Ratchet's intelligence to the test and showed him a picture. "What do you see here?"</p>
<p>"A wolf," Ratchet replied briefly.</p>
<p>The soldier frowned. "This is a dog. A husky."</p>
<p>"Snow means wolf, you see?" Ratchet proved it with two Google image searches: The wolves were mostly depicted in the snow, dogs were not.</p>
<p>The human showed more pictures: "What is this?" "A train." "These are just tracks!" "Tracks mean trains." "How can you not see that there is no train on the tracks? How could YOUR species survive for so long?"</p>
<p>Ratchet crossed his arms in insult. "Don't you dare question my highly evolved processor."</p>
<p>But the soldier had learned enough and passed on to his comrades his findings on how to develop combat tactics for their next battle.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Optimus was amazed when he received a delivery from Amazon Prime - but he hadn't ordered anything?</p><p>Because of their similarity in name and because of the happenings in Egypt they had given him prime status for free or maybe everything else would have seemed strange to them. Maybe they considered it a marketing gag. Maybe they had gotten the idea of sending him unrequested promotional gifts.</p><p>The package was so big that it had to be delivered by its own truck.</p><p>Optimus opened it, and his amazement was even greater: it contained the lifeless body of Sentinel Prime, his mentor and predecessor as leader of the Autobots.</p><p>So he was right: It WAS a promotional gift. He looked at the sender and read the name of a museum in Egypt.</p><p>"Lennox!" Optimus called angrily and pointed to the contents of the package. "Why am I only now learning that one of our people has been in the care of the humans all this time as an exhibit?"</p><p>Lennox eyes widened. "I thought you knew that. Sam had you brought to Egypt specifically for this."</p><p>Optimus facepalmed when it occurred to him he'd jumped into battle with the Decepticons instead of talking to Sam. Well, didn't matter now.</p><p>The leader of the Autobots took the Matrix of Leadership out of his spark chamber. The bystanders and Autobots watched in amazement as Optimus resurrected Sentinel, who looked around in slight confusion.</p><p>Happily, Optimus greeted his old master.</p><p>"Uh, one question." Lennox interrupted the ceremony. "Why don't you use the Matrix of Leadership to revive Jazz and Jetfire?"</p><p>Sentinel shook his head disapprovingly as if he'd never heard such a stupid question before.</p><p>Optimus got down on one knee to explain as patiently as possible to the soldier. "Because there are two ways to end this war once and for all." When Lennox didn't seem to understand, he added, "Because no."</p><p> </p><p>Optimus praised his old master in the highest tones in front of the humans and Autobots, who all did not know him. He did not tell them how childish Sentinel could sometimes be. So childish that friends and enemies feared him. Somehow Optimus had thought Sentinel had matured after all that time in stasis. He would apologize for his behavior many times afterwards.</p><p>Just when most of the Autobots were on a mission and Sentinel was watching TV with his feet laif up, he suddenly jumped up and threw his popcorn aside. "Surprise, I'm defecting to the Decepticons!" He began to attack everyone and everything in sight and the people fled to safety.</p><p>Only Ironhide stood in his way on the way out.</p><p>Sentinel held his rust cannon up to his faceplate, but he hesitated. "Ironhide, I have to shoot you to show how serious my intentions are." The addressed one didn't like that at all. "If you promise to hide for the rest of your life, I will let you go."</p><p>The weapons expert thought that was a better idea. "Okay, this is my specialty."</p><p>Sentinel made him promise with a pinky promise. Then he shot at a truck that looked a bit like Ironhide's camouflage - after the shot with the rust cannon nobody would see a difference anyway.</p><p>Ironhide said goodbye one last time and disappeared forever.</p><p>Sentinel looked proudly at his work. "I surely fooled them." Before he, too, disappeared.</p><p> </p><p>Sentinel had been famous for his pranks in his time among the Autobots. The Decepticons would still get to know him.</p><p>He helped them to build a space bridge with which they could transport masses of Decepticons into the Earth's atmosphere. But when they came through, they fell with a loud splash into the pond over which Sentinel had placed this end of the space bridge.</p><p>Cursing, they climbed out of the water while Sentinel pretended it was an accident and laughed his ass off.</p><p> </p><p>Sam arrived at Dylan's estate and quickly found his girlfriend Carly among the party guests, who was in the middle of a conversation with Dylan - her boss, an asshole. With the announcement that he wanted to talk to her briefly, he pulled her out of earshot. "Optimus has resurrected Sentinel," he explained briefly. "Who turned out to be a prank master. He has switched sides and is now helping the Decepticons conquer the world. Or maybe not, it's all not quite clear. We must leave immediately."</p><p>"But where will we go if they destroy the world," Carly asked with exaggerated logic as they reached the exit and Sam pulled them to her car, which had a few horsepower more than Sam's junk car.</p><p>Just as Sam and Carly were about to jump into her car, it began to transform before their eyes.</p><p>They froze in fright. Soundwave rose from the moving parts. With a reproachful look at Carly, he dropped all the things that had accumulated in him recently: make-up utensils, empty fast-food paper bags, disposable coffee cups, water bottles. A whole bunch of stuff landed on the lawn.</p><p>"Run," Sam yelled, pulling Carly away with him.</p><p>Behind them, Soundwave took up the chase with a cool breakdance move that would have made Jazz jealous, grabbed Carly with a roll and transformed so that she landed in his driver's seat in the same movement.</p><p>Immediately she tried to open the doors and knocked wildly on the window. Sam rushed to her and tore at the driver's door in vain.</p><p>Outside, Dylan calmly came down the stairs. "When they are done with her, you won't recognize her anymore," he commented gloatingly.</p><p>"Sam, please help me," whined Carly as Soundwave launched tentacles into the driver's cab, snake-like encircling her.</p><p>Soundwave whispered to his human pet, "Do you want to know what I can do with these tentacles? I learned it from your Internet."</p><p>Carly yelled again in Sam's direction, "Sam, I changed my mind. Don't do anything he says."</p><p>Dylan stood at the bottom of the stairs and for a few moments enjoyed Sam's desperate attempts to open the car door.</p><p>"You don't understand, Sam," he began to tell as a prelude to the story. "Soundwave came to me many years ago."</p><p> </p><p>The silver, brand-new Mercedes was parked in the company parking lot as if it had appeared out of nowhere. As Dylan approached, the door opened like an invitation. Naïve as he had been, he took the opportunity to sit in it and imagine that he would have such a car if he would one day work his way up to the executive floor.</p><p>But the car closed the door by itself.  "Come over to our side. We have the better music."</p><p>Dylan was startled when a metal bird crawled out of the glove compartment and transformed into a loudspeaker. The car drove out a tentacle that made contact with the loudspeaker and some ... sounds came out of it.</p><p>"Well, what do you think of that?" asked the voice of the car proudly.</p><p>"Um, good?" Dylan wasn't brave enough to say he heard nothing but noise.</p><p>"Do you hear the powers of the Decepticons rolling towards you in this track?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"Does it give you a cold shiver running down your rear end?"</p><p>"Yes, damn it! Um, what?"</p><p> </p><p>Throughout the story, Dylan's eyes fell back to the car, which was doing its own thing instead of listening.  "Soundwave, would you please stop that?"</p><p>The woman stared in horror in the rearview mirror. Soundwave had painted Carly an oversized mouth with lipstick, pasted false eyelashes on her, and was mistreating her hair. Maybe he was dyeing it, because he was braiding aluminum foil into it.</p><p>"I have a proposition for you." Dylan waved his hands like he was trying to shoo Sam away. "You go home safely, we'll settle this between us adults and nobody will get hurt."</p><p> </p><p>Just when the fun was over and the fronts were cleared, Lazerbeak scurried through the trees. Yes, he ran instead of flying. A little girl was clinging to the tip of his tail. Soundwave asked him what that was about.</p><p>"I found this on my last mission. May I keep it, may I, may I, may I?"</p><p>"You are to destroy him, not kidnap his offspring."</p><p>"But he's devastated now."</p><p>Soundwave would slap the servo to the front of his helmet if he wasn't in vehicle mode, so he just sank down an inch annoyed. "You immediately return the human protoform to where you found it."</p><p>"But you also have a human pet." Lazerbeak mouthed and turned his face to Carly in the driver's seat. "You now even have two. That's not fair."</p><p>That was an argument. Although he was planning on getting rid of one of his pets. "Well, okay. But you take care of it yourself. I won't clean up his mess if you forget.</p><p>"Thanks!"</p><p> </p><p>As Soundwave drove away with Carly, she gradually calmed down. Time to tell her a thing or two. "Don't you dare spill coffee on my seats again."</p><p>She moaned annoyed in response.</p><p>"And you picked your olfactory sensor in my presence. Disgusting."</p><p>"I didn't know you were watching."</p><p>"You humans should treat all machines with more respect."</p><p>She was silent. He took that as a sign of approval. "Besides, you have a terrible taste in music."</p><p>She was outraged. "What do you have against the Bee Gees?"</p><p>"From now on we'll listen to my music." He put on Cybertronic clatter. "Well? What do you say?"</p><p>"That's noise."</p><p>For a moment, he was stunned. How dare that organic being?</p><p>"This is Cybertronic classical music, you ignorant thing. This is Earth's subjugation set to music."</p><p>"With this track, you can subjugate anything, you just have to play it until everyone else gives up."</p><p>What impudence. His new pet needed a good education. "You underdeveloped creature. You must learn to appreciate true art."</p><p>Against all protests he blasted her with it the whole ride.</p><p> </p><p>Carly now had to go everywhere, no matter what Soundwave did, like a faithful, well-behaved pet, like a Chihuahua in a handbag. This time he went to pick up Dylan after he had finished his business. Soundwave left Carly standing on the lawn in front of his estate as he walked to the door.</p><p>The young woman was bored. When Soundwave returned with Dylan in his luggage, she bobbed her head to the beat of an iPod.</p><p>Soundwave recognized the music by the percussions alone: Autobot music. "Where did you get that? Turn it off immediately." Without waiting for her reaction, he tore off her headphones with the tweezer grip of his giant fingers and crushed the device with a well-placed stomp.</p><p>"Hey!" Carly was shocked and immediately outraged. "You can't destroy paid product placement."</p><p>"Can't I? Watch this." The intelligence officer tore off the Mercedes badge and crushed it in his servo, causing metal crumbs to trickle down. "I am a Decepticon. We do not rely on your charity. Now get in, we gotta go."</p><p> </p><p>Carly took a seat in Soundwave again shortly after, moaning. Together with Dylan they went to Chicago, where Megatron had set up a new command center. He received his intelligence officer in a modern and clean underground garage.</p><p>Soundwave transformed, pushing Dylan forward with a servo while pushing Carly back behind him. "Here, Lord Megatron. I have brought you a pet."</p><p>Megatron lowered himself in front of Dylan to get a better look at him. Immediately, the man began bragging about how rich and useful he was and what great things he had already done for Megatron. Bored, Megatron stood up and stretched out an arm towards Carly. "No. I get the pretty pet."</p><p>Soundwave pushed Carly so far behind him that she was no longer visible. "No, you don't want that. It's naughty, spills coffee all over my seats, keeps talking back at me. I have to train it first."</p><p>As if for demonstration, Carly stuck her head out from behind Soundwave and looked at him from below. "If you mean getting used to your hideous noise, shoot me now before I lose my mind."</p><p>"You see?" Soundwave gestured back and forth between Carly and Megatron. "It is utterly uncultured and unworthy of you."</p><p>Megatron couldn't shake the feeling that Soundwave just wanted to get rid of this Dylan.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sentinel did not fail to notice that Megatron had made a fool of himself over Sentinel. No idea what the Decepticon leader saw in him. Just because Sentinel had been leader of the Autobots and had given him the space bridge technology? That was no reason to be so happy.</p><p>Yes, that was the point: Megatron fell for the charm of an Autobot leader, just as underdeveloped life forms always did when Optimus drew them to his side. That was the course of events. Maybe Megatron would see it one day.</p><p>As soon as the red defector met Megatron in Chicago, he began exploiting his status and moaning theatrically. Let's see how far he got with this. "These blocks are disturbing," he moaned, pointing to the high-rise buildings.</p><p>Surprisingly, the leader of the Decepticons immediately summoned some of his subordinates. "Take away those buildings that block the beautiful view."</p><p>A few spaceships came flying by and tore down the skyscrapers. Sentinel leaned back and appeared unimpressed.</p><p>Then explosions sounded and colorful lights appeared in the sky. "What beautiful fireworks," Megatron remarked.</p><p>"What is this filth?" Sentinel grinned secretly as Megatron's smile froze on his faceplate.</p><p>"I made this just for you. We celebrate our victory. Don't you like it?"</p><p>"No, it's so ... Sentinel made a theatrical gesture and searched his memory for the word that would make Megatron most furious. "Primitive."</p><p>He had hit home.</p><p> </p><p>The soldiers drove with Sam to Chicago to free Carly and stopped outside the outskirts of the city. The boy wondered why they were not wearing their uniforms. His amazement increased when they jumped out of the cars, opened the trunks and began to put on colorful costumes.</p><p>"What are you doing?"</p><p>Lennox was about to put on an oversized Victorian woman's dress. "This confuses them. Then they won't attack us."</p><p>Epps put on a pink bunny costume and handed Sam a suit with a bowler hat and a fake mustache. "Here, take this, you're Charlie Chaplin now."</p><p>Sam argued with him for a while, then, with protest, he took the clothes and began to change, too.</p><p>Not a second too soon. Already a Decepticon glider was approaching. The soldiers stood calmly and awaited his reaction. A Decepticon jumped out of the glider and approached Sam. "Charlie Chaplin!" he shouted happily. "I am a big fan. Could I have your autograph?"</p><p>Sam was so stunned, he couldn't react at first, then he put on a fake smile. "Of course." He made some kind of curly line on the data pad that the Con handed to him. He thanked him, jumped back into his glider and continued his patrol.</p><p>"What the hell is going on here," Sam demanded to know from the soldiers, but they just shrugged their shoulders and murmured something about neural nets. All they knew was that they were being overly logical, but they couldn't explain why.</p><p>At a light running pace, without bothering to hide, the soldiers ran openly through Chicago. Whenever a Decepticon or a glider curiously approached them, they slowed down to a leisurely pace, laughing and throwing candy and confetti.</p><p>"Look, a carnival parade," one of the Cons remarked to his buddy. "I feel the urge to retract my guns and to be funny."</p><p>They cheered at the soldiers and let them pass without interruption.</p><p> </p><p>Driller was taking apart an office building that was mainly made of glass. His tentacles drilled through the facade and he disappeared inside while his master Shochwave watched. Shortly afterwards, Driller's front end with the round throat reappeared in the air.</p><p>"E6," Shochwave commanded in an authoritative voice.</p><p>Driller made a move and dug himself back into the facade at another spot.</p><p>"No, E6," sent Shockwave, so Driller would surely hear it. "To the right."</p><p>But Driller continued his drilling without stirring. He claimed that the counts would start with 1, as was customary on Earth.</p><p>"You cheat." Shockwave narrowed his red optic. "We always start counting from 0, no matter what planet we're on. We do not adapt to the level of development of the natives."</p><p>Furious, Driller unceremoniously tore down the entire tower. That was certainly the last time Shockwave played with him.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, the soldiers reached the vicinity of Megatron's provisionally equipped command tower. Their coming did not go unnoticed. Sentinel took a quick look at the surrounding Decepticons and grasped the situation - he, the master of pranks, was not easily fooled. "Shoot, you idiots!"</p><p>But the Cons did not budge. "That's a pink rabbit," one explained. "You don't shoot at it."</p><p>"Do I have to do everything around here myself?" Sentinel jumped into a glider far too narrow for his size and flew to the soldiers to hit them over the head. He took aim at their leader, who was dressed as a woman with a baby, and grabbed the controls for the cannon. But the moment he pulled the trigger, he realized his mistake - the baby was real. The cannon refused to fire at a human protoform. How unfair. "Why didn't we think of bringing our protoforms into battle?" he murmured.</p><p>Shockwave had heard him and his voice sounded with cool logic from the speakers. "Because humans are brutal and do not shy away from violence against children."</p><p>At that moment the baby woke up. Far away from his mother, overwhelmed by the new impressions of the badly affected city, hungry and with pooped diapers, he let his frustration run free. A deafening cry resounded. All the Decepticons in the area held on to their acoustic sensors, gliders and spaceships in the area crashed one by one.</p><p>Sentinel jumped out of his glider before it exploded on the ground. The scream died down as Lennox lovingly comforted his youngest son.</p><p>The defector now found himself alone facing an approaching front of Autobots --who, as always, had appeared from somewhere. so the work could be called "Transformers". Sentinel drew his sword.</p><p>At that moment Lazerbeak came running around the corner - a little girl armed with a pool noodle was hanging from his tail feathers.</p><p>"Attack," ordered the mech-bird. With wild cries, the girl rushed at the Autobots, hitting Bumblebee with the pool noodle until he whimpered and fled in pain. Most of the other Autobots were frightened and ran away, too.</p><p>Now it was only: Sentinel against Optimus Prime.</p><p> </p><p>"Sam." With a thunderclap, Starscream landed on the street. "If you think you can fool me with your costume, you're sorely mistaken. I'm going to wipe out all of you, you, your ridiculous friends, and finally I'm going to get your girlfriend. I'm gonna find her even if she's hiding in a cake."</p><p>"Please don't!" cried Sam and had a sudden idea. "I have yet to bake a cake!"</p><p>"A cake ..." Starscream stopped in the middle of the forward motion as its processor tried to understand the meaning behind these words. The attempt created a paradox, a serious runtime error, a memory overflow. Then Starscream's head exploded and Sam just kept running.</p><p> </p><p>Soundwave had put Carly on a dog leash so she wouldn't run away before he jumped into the battle. She had slowly counted to one hundred and then removed the collar, which was now dangling empty in the underground garage.</p><p>Actually, she wanted to run away, but then she saw Megatron lying half dead in the ruins of the city - probably another victim of the baby cry a while ago.</p><p>Carly stood in front of the Decepticon leader: "You're just Sentinel's bitch."</p><p>"That's not true at all." Megatron pointed to his dog collar with Sentinel's face on a metal plate. "That's a friendship collar."</p><p>Carly tilted her head and looked at him doubtfully.</p><p>Megatron reviewed all the events that happened with Sentinel and could no longer close his mind to the truth. He tore off his collar dramatically, then jumped up to attack Sentinel.</p><p> </p><p>Sentinel just had a battle of words with Optimus. "You are doomed, Autobots. You just don't get it. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or of one."</p><p>Optimus folded his arms and countered, "Explain this to Megatron, who complains that humans sawed him up to advance their civilization with his technology."</p><p>"Explain what to me?"</p><p>Megatron came in full swing and scrapped Sentinel, which fell to the ground as a pile of junk. In the heat of battle, Megatron turned to Optimus with his sword raised, but at the sight of his shining armor compared to the pile of junk that was the Decepticon leader, he paused his attack and switched to diplomacy instead. After all, the Autobot leader was actually far too nice to hurt anyone. "Optimus, what would you be without me?"</p><p>Optimus sighed. "If I don't kill you now, our war will go on forever."</p><p>"That's what you said back in the Ektron chamber. And at the Rust Sea on the Blade Peninsula. And on Gammatron."</p><p>Megatron smiled. He knew what was coming.</p><p>The leader of the Autobots sighed even heavier and lowered his weapons. "Would you like an Energon drink?"</p><p>"This one's on me. Let's toast your victory, you pit of a mech." Megatron comradely put an arm around his shoulder and led him toward the nearest Energon station. Although it was thousands of kilometers away, they had enough time to look back on their last battles. The war would surely be waiting for them to return.</p><p>Their gaze wandered over Chicago's destroyed skyline and the holes that Megatron had shot into the skyscrapers to make it easier to see through them. "You really exaggerated this time," Optimus remarked. "You've got a huge bill to pay for this."</p><p>Megatron shrugged his shoulders. "My lawyer will fold a paper airplane from the claim for damages and otherwise ignore it."</p><p>"You have a lawyer?</p><p>"Of course. Since all the machines on Earth are descended from me, someone has to keep all maintenance claims off of me." Megatron's memory got a little stirred up. "I didn't even want this. Those perverted people."</p><p>Optimus quickly changed the subject before Megatron began telling him all the details and started to talk about his own experiences.</p>
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